The Essence of Relationships
This is one you can’t fake.
We either have a genuine curiosity to learn about other people or we don’t.
Building a genuine relationship requires a meaningful personal investment of our time and energy.
Those who excel at building relationships make the investment almost effortlessly. They get to know as much about the other person as possible. They excel at this because they enjoy it.
They ask questions.
They’re transparent.
They’re innately curious about others — specifically their story.
The interesting thing about relationship building, especially igniting new ones, is there’s a tremendous opportunity for growth from it. If you give a lot, you’ll receive a lot. This is what great relationships are all about. And I’d argue those who are furthest along in their pursuit of happiness (excuse the cliche) likely have great, enduring relationships.
I’m no expert in building relationships, but I find people and their stories to be compelling. As I’ve written in my book and stated across articles while — “Everyone has a story” we often overlook the opportunity to seek to understand one another at a deeper level.
For example, I read a report that found that the majority (as high as 85%) of the world’s workforce is NOT motivated for Mondays. There’s a lot to unpack there, but from my view, it’s primarily because workplace relationships are not where they can or should be.
What if the leaders in those workplaces took a moment to understand the elements of building great relationships? Maybe their workforce would feel and behave different.
For me, the outcomes of building genuine relationships have been life changing. They range from meeting my wife to influential people who’ve opened up nearly every career opportunity for me. They’ve transformed my personal and professional life.
What does a great relationship look like?
Here are some common indicators for genuine relationships:
They’re initiated (usually) face to face: It’s OK to go up to people and strike up conversations. You don’t need an “angle,” just simple observations and curiosity will garner how you initiate the conversation. Given that this is usually the hardest for most people, because it’s how a relationship is started, let me provide an example.
I was waiting to board a Delta flight and the gate agent announced all military veterans can board. A few of those heroes boarded, but I noticed there was one military veteran (evidenced by markings on his backpack) who was still seated and was dosing off a bit. When the gate agent proceeded to board first class, I walked over to the veteran and gently made him aware that he could board. He looked so tired for someone so young, that I offered him my first-class seat to which he politely denied me. He proceeded to board. Another passenger came up to me after he witnessed what I had done and was genuinely gracious, offering his business card stating that he loved watching my kind act. As luck would have it, we were seatmates and spent the flight engaged in conversation. So, imagine if we could acknowledge a kind act to initiate a conversation. They’re likely happening around us, we just need to be aware and act on the opportunity.It’s a good relationship starter.
They’re on demand: We don’t need to schedule an appointment to talk. It’s OK to “check-in.” It’s always amazing to me where a conversation may lead when there’s little agenda.
They’re truth telling: We’ll get feedback that can sting, but it’s likely the truth and only helps us. This is especially helpful to someone who is early in their career.
They’re bi-directional: There’s a healthy balance of conversation usually led by many questions between the two people. It’s never one-way.
They’re committed: If someone said they will do something, then it happens. Too often we say we will do something and then not do it. We need to resolve ourselves to treat our said word as an obligation or contract to the person receiving it.
Workplace Relationships
You might have heard a leader say that we don’t need to like one another, but we need to respect one another. Well, we spend over 2,000 hours a year at work. One can argue that it’s hard to work with people on a consistent basis for a long duration if there isn’t some level of mutual likeability between one another. I’m not suggesting that it’s an absolute, rather something that we should authentically try for.
Why?
Because the statement “I don’t like that person” is usually rooted in not understanding their story.
Most people’s behavior is shaped by their life experience. Seeking to understand it is an important step to having an enjoyable, healthy workplace. (This is especially true given the amount of time we dedicate our daily lives to it.)
I would argue that many of the companies who achieve “Most Admired,” “Best Places to Work,” or crush their Glassdoor reviews have a culture with good working relationships amongst each other.
An executive leadership team (ELT) must have good relationships between one another — definitely respect AND likeability. When a leadership team works well together, and it is widely visible to the rest of the company, it follows that the rest of the company works well too. The foundation to a good culture is the relationships that each of them have. I’ve been part of several leadership teams where friendships did indeed develop and to no surprise the companies were vastly successful.
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Healthy Conflict
Friends get each other’s backs, but also tell each other how it is.
This sort of “healthy conflict” is foundational to relationship building. Truth telling is paramount to have an authentic — and a “bettering of one another” — relationship to where personal and professional growth is evident.
The graphic below illustrates the concept which I’ve practiced consistently leading teams and organizations after reading about it in Lencioni’s book, The Advantage. The bottom line is that it works.
Where relationships struggle to start or go south is when people feel they’re getting personally attacked during a business discussion — or any discussion for that matter. When people are passionate and committed to doing what’s best for the company, it’s natural for unintended words or expressions to fly. Most are unintentional, but regardless, the impact on the other person is felt. On the other hand, especially in current times, passive/aggressiveness has become too commonplace. It’s breaking organizations, from large companies to high school sports teams. Both drive bad relationships and toxic cultures and only exist because the leaders allow it, specifically the CEO.
The key to successful relationships is to embrace conflict rather than avoid the issues that simmer beneath the surface. These can cause resentment or result in people feeling attacked. Both are ingredients to toxic cultures. (Yes, silence or not speaking up can be as bad as yelling or talking one down.) Neither have a place in healthy relationships.
The value of understanding another person’s story
Understanding each other’s story is a practice that can be done almost regardless of the size of the organization. When leaders can be a witness to this and be an example on how the rest of the organization behaves, then results will follow. Whether a company or a family, the essence of relationships begins at the top.
*Contact me for the information above or consult: chris@operatorup.com
I hope you found this useful.
Chris
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Chris Greco is a dedicated father, husband, and CEO known for his faith, underdog grit, and perseverance. His boundless energy and core values approach have been instrumental in uniting organizations to achieve goals that once seemed unattainable.
Beyond his professional achievements, Chris serves as a Board Director, advisor to growth-stage companies, volunteer, and keynote speaker. He resides in Kansas City with his wife, two children, and their rescue dog.
